3 ½ Stars

If you like half-naked men, really pale guys, vampire lore and tween chick-lit come to life, but have some level of taste, then your take on “Twilight Saga: New Moon” would be similar to mine. It ain’t good, but I didn’t hate it.

In this second installment of the vampire series, Bella (played by a heavily exhaling and expressionless Kristen Stewart) is left to her own devices after Edward (played by a dour Robert Pattinson) decides she’s safer without him and disappears. In his absence, she uses Jacob (pedophile-attracting Taylor Lautner) to keep her mind off Edward. In the meantime, she’s introduced to yet another world of supernatural when Jacob and his gang are transformed into werewolves.

Shocked: After reading the novels*, I was unsure how they would include Pattinson in any meaningful way. In the novel, Edward is totally absent (except for in Bella’s delusions) for ¾ of the story! Their solution? Really low-budget floating Edwards appear whenever Bella is doing something dangerous, which pretty much stayed true to the novel. Plus, they really served up the Edward “moody hotness” scenes at the beginning and end. I think it worked, because like Bella, I never forgot about Edward and when he was actually there, I definitely felt like a lovesick teen happy to just see the object of my affection.

Who to watch: So, I tried to avert my eyes from Taylor Lautner’s sculpted arms and “9-pack” abs, but his charming performance made that very hard. His acting is really quite nuanced compared to Bella’s sulkiness and Pattinson’s constant mugging.

Then, there was Dakota Fanning in all her splendor as Jane. I seriously had a “Natalie Portman as Queen Amidala” moment. She was fabulous as the child Volturi with the ability to bring the pain. Can’t wait to see more of her. Either she hired her own makeup artist or her star power afforded her more time in the makeup chair, but she looked way better than the other white-faced Volturi. You, too, can get your Volturi look on at a Spirit Halloween megastore near you!

I would also like to give a shout out to Bella’s friend and scene-stealer Anna Kendrick who played Jessica. Loved her humorously incessant but strangely intelligent chatter.

Buzzkills: The CGI used in Bella’s Edward visions, the werewolf fight scenes and the Volturi battle were low budge. I’ve seen better animations in a History Channel doc.

I’m sorry, but I don’t enjoy Kristen Stewart’s acting. She definitely has Bella’s look down, but, oy, her range of expressions and her mistaken belief that crying is all sobs and no tears? Fail.

I’m generally not opposed to skinny, pale guys. I usually think they’re pretty hot, actually. Robert Pattinson, though, next to Jacob and his gang? What a difference a tan makes. Also, couldn’t they have waxed Pattinson’s chest? Those wispy hairs on his chest were distracting and they were kind of gross.

Perks: Just as in the books, I was definitely entertained by the fast paced beginning and end. The pining for Edward and the drawn out teasing of poor Jacob’s heart, also much like the book, I could have done with less of all that. But, I think it was a perfect representation of teen love with its extreme levels of high and low. I also enjoyed the “Romeo & Juliet” theme, which this chapter of the series rips off with great ease.

Night on the Town?: I’d say that if you have a big group of Twilight-addicted friends, make a night of it. If not, wait to see it at home, so you can rewind the half-naked boy scenes in private. If you’re not into shirtless men, vampire lore and tween romance, I’d say skip it.

*I will go on record now and say that I have read the entire “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer. I would like to add that I borrowed every book from a friend, since Meyer is Mormon and I’m not sure if she contributes to the Church’s tithing mandate. The Mormon Church contributes millions of dollars toward the fight against gay rights and, as far as I know, Meyer has never made it clear whether she does tithe and what her stance is on gay rights. So, I didn’t feel right about giving her one penny. Thankfully, I can write off the films for my taxes, since I’m in the “industry.” OK, that’s my justification until I think of something better.

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Photos, from top: Robert Pattinson is shirtless in “New Moon.” Credit: FilmOFilia; Taylor Lautner, wolf in “New Moon.” Credit: GossipTeen; Dakota Fanning works the paleness in “New Moon.” Credit: TwilightGuide